My life with Schizophrenia
I was born with the soul cankering disease aptly Schizophrenia. I remember at the age of 5, having absolutely no knowledge of the demonic, would do shadow boxing into thin air, it was evident, something or someone was after me. Schizophrenia has taken me on a journey, mostly a painful and one of much suffering, I don’t boast in my condition, neither do I feel sorry for myself, but surely yes, as human as I am, want answers to these questions pertaining this condition.
People could never quite place or get me. Most of the times I was very isolated, my main reason for schooling was to share Jesus with the other students, for this I was much despised and rejected, not to mention, had no friends. It has been a lonely and hard road.
For no real cause or reason at all, since primary school days were unusually victimized, like I said before, for no reason at all, I am still trying to make sense of it. Could be that there some greater purpose? My hoping and reasoning lingers in the areas that by the grace of God there may still be a plan for my life, but seemingly, lately I have no anticipation to do any form of ministry.
I do, what I do best, aptly writing, I will never stand on a stage, but my feelings and thoughts are brought to the spotlight on my blog. I don’t want to bore you with my fairy tales. All I can say is, trying to differentiate between what’s real and false is extremely confusing.
Unfortunately, I have to conclude, Schizophrenia is degenerative, trust me, the glass is half empty. In all things according to the Apostle Paul, we ought to give God thanks… Come to mind, by the measure of revelation imparted to me, Schizophrenia and my suffering included has kept leveled, grounded and humble, no chance of pride to sneak in.
Many a-times, yes, human as I am, just don’t want to live anymore. But when I see the fruit of my call it puts me in a place where I can only but press onwards. In my condition, I have had much international favor, like Pastor Ray McCauley says: “The call won’t take you, where the grace of God can’t keep you.
The first time of Schizophrenia ever recorded is in the Bible, the Apostle Paul. We solemnly read that he prayed three times to God, to remove this thorn from his side: “A MESSENGER OF SATAN” sounds to me that he pretty much also heard a voice or voices, plainly cause a “messenger” delivers messages. God did not heal Paul from this ailment, rather said: “My grace is sufficient for you”.
Schizophrenia is rated the worst possible long-term diagnoses found in the medical fraternity, worse than Elsheimer or even more, Parkinson’s disease. I am by no means trying to gain your sympathy, very much rather your prayers please because I can assure you now friend, each day is a battle.
Since age 3 I had had an unusual affectionate and deepest found love for the Holy Spirit and most obvious, the Father and the Son too. My disease has driven me to a place of despair. It’s a long and lonesome road, the closest thing I have to reality is my wife, father, and mother. They are the ones keeping alive, seen with all do respect, I don’t want to live like this anymore.
It is so hard discerning my faith since it is the unseen, now the problem lies here, commonly with Schizophrenia it has the tell tale signs of the unseen yet more delusions. Where do we draw the line, I mean “What is real” this has been a most peculiar thought for a long time, even till now.
Schizophrenia tends to isolate one, keeping you away from any kind or form and means of social interaction.
The church is very much aware of my condition, and you need to trust me, I am not obsessed, neither possessed, no demon to drive out here.
Initially, I was diagnosed with “undifferentiated Schizophrenia” I thought…wow, ok this is the small one, the one not contained in the text book. 17 years later I was informed this is the worst kind to have, to a serious degree. I am now informed by the Psychiatrists that this condition involves MULTIPLE mental problems of which in my scenario it includes a series of issues such as: “Bipolar, major depression, paranoia, mood disorder, and so on…
This is simply and truly concluded via a series of tests by the medical fraternity in respect to psychiatry, with medical treatments over the span of 15 years by these Dr’s and South Africa’s top Professor’s, that my IQ is just simply too high, I should as a Schizophrenic not have such insight into my condition, making the situation much worse seen that I am constantly aware of the suffering. the ability to know and identify it, just makes the whole picture more complex…
Will Continue with this article…